It’s been a long time. I’ve been meaning to write for months and months and months, (I swear!) But Mommyhood, life and laziness got in the way. (In that order.)
Here I am about 9 months after I wrote that last heavy post and looking back on that time in my pregnancy, I’m filled with nostalgia for the stress and uncertainty I was going through. I’m not going to lie, after the breakneck speed of having to find out that my OBGYN team wanted to induce labor and giving birth to Andrew a few days later, I was really happy to be done with pregnancy at that point, only because I knew my breaking point was around the corner. I felt God really knew this and had me deliver 5 weeks early. Andrew was delivered safe and sound and the flurry of events helped my adrenaline flow and kept things in perspective. I’m not going to lie again, the month of January and most of February were some of the hardest days of my life. It was filled with roadblocks and setbacks but through it all I was in awe of this beautiful baby boy that God had given me and my family.
Andrew has been the biggest and most defining blessing in my life. He’s such a beautiful little boy filled with personality and spunk and charm. I am very very grateful that he is healthy and has a normal life despite his initial diagnosis. He had a 100% repair on his heart and he’s healed well and has hit all of his milestones. We still have some issues and roadblocks ahead possibly, but isn’t that what parenthood is all about? I was thinking the other day how you sign up for a lifetime of uncertainty when you become a parent. Anything and everything scary can be waiting for you around the corner. That can be truly overwhelming. But you just always have to remember to be the best possible version of you for your kids. That really keeps me going and striving and providing a home filled with love and stability for Drew.
While I was going through this entire ordeal I really was tested by my faith and was able to really feel the true depths of God in my life. God only tests those that are strongest and I really questioned God at times as to how strong I was. I doubted this challenge he gave me. I asked God several times why instead of accepting this challenge and asking for His grace. It was mind boggling to me that grace was all that a Christian needs to get through a challenge. In the valley of my own despair, grace was the last thing that came to mind in handling my stress. But grace was indeed all I needed. It truly humbled me and filled me with a love for God that I didn’t even know I possessed fully. I realized the fragility of life in this way that was extraordinary.
This whole experience has strengthened my marriage and all the important relationships in my life. It’s really tested things, all the stresses and fears also made me realize that more than anything I have to learn how to have faith and how to trust in God. Two very scary things for a control freak!
I’ve realized life is sometimes a series of setbacks and unknowns. You picture your life in this certain way, and immediately you set yourself up for disappointment, because your life will never ever be formulaic!
We all have our trials and tribulations. Every single one of us goes through something so profound and in the moments of those throes of agony that we all go through, we realize what we’re made of and what this whole confusing, crazy life is all about.
I’ve thought a lot these past few months about what I want for Andrew in life. It’s a question most parents ponder throughout their child’s life. And aside from career options, educational goals, etc. I want Andrew to be happy and to be a good person. I want him to know that everything in life worth having is worth a struggle and a fight and I want him to know that he was soo incredibly loved and wanted by a whole slew of people here on this Earth. I want him to feel that love every single day.
They say that motherhood can cure a lot of open wounds you have had from childhood/adulthood and I’ve realized that’s really true as well. I’ve realized I’ve become more patient, less petty, more forgiving, more focused and I no longer waste time on negativity. Instead I try to seize those moments allotted to me. I’ve begun to realize that the most precious gift that we all have is time.
I hope to delve into a lot more of what I’ve been experiencing these past few months as a mom and also what life is like for me now. Here’s to blogging regularly again!
